My ribs huuuuuurt! I swear the monster, that’s what I’m calling it now, is taking a kick-boxing class inside my uterus. More technically speaking, I found out that, “Your uterus — which was entirely tucked away inside your pelvis when you conceived — now reaches up under your rib cage. If you could peek inside your womb, you’d see that there’s more baby than amniotic fluid in there now. Your ballooning uterus is crowding your other internal organs, too, which is why you probably have to urinate more often and may be dealing with heartburn and other gastrointestinal distress.”
I hate this process. Anyone who says they looooovvveee being pregnant is a damned liar. On the increased urination front, I had to use the El Corazon bathroom more times than I could count Saturday night. It was totally disturbing. There’s no squatting above the nasty toilet when you’re eight months prego, gravity just doesn’t work that way. Basically, I got drunk enough to forget what was crawling around on the dreaded seat.
I thought when you’re pregnant, people shower you with gifts, run out at any given moment to get you food from WHEREVER you want and give you foot rubs all day. Not the case at all. Not once has anyone offered to go get me Ezell’s fried chicken or a pineapple shake from Gordo’s. Not a single person has touched my feet, although, I don’t blame them–they probably look like hell since I haven’t even been able to see them for months. And most irritating of all, NO GIFTS. WTF!?! Everyone likes buying things. It’s America, that’s what we do. So, buy me things. This monster’s gonna need clothes/shoes(I wear Vans size 7 if you want to get me a matching pair)/food/toys and a whole lot more. I’m registered at Babies”R”us, Target, Fred Meyer, Wal-Mart, Super KMart, ShopKo, Costco and Sam’s Club. Buy in bulk, I’m gonna need it!
I’ve got to pee, but one more thing before I forget, which is another side effect, you literally lose your ability to retain information. Anyways, I just got the best news today. I can still have sex! I thought it was dangerous to do it in the third trimester, but according to Google it’s just fine! And according to the Google Image search, the positions look pretty fun too!
So, I’ll leave it at that for today. My ribs hurt, I have to pee all the time, I’ve got heartburn and gastrointestinal distress, no one is pampering me, but I can still have sex. Think I’ll be able to pick someone up, say, at the next Get Loweded?